Seeking Clarity While Walking by Faith

There are seasons in life when we desperately want answers.

We want to know why something happened.

We want to know what caused it.

We want to know what can be fixed, what cannot be fixed, and what the future may hold.

For me, one of those questions has centered around my swallowing difficulties.

For many years, I have known that my upper esophageal sphincter (UES) muscle does not function properly. This is the muscle at the top of the esophagus that should relax and open to allow food and liquid to pass into the stomach.

Recently, a swallow study confirmed that the muscle remains tight and does not open as it should. But the study also revealed other findings that gave me more to think about.

My epiglottis, which helps protect the airway during swallowing, does not completely close over the airway.

My larynx moves upward, but it does not move forward the way it should during swallowing.

As I reflected on those findings, I began wondering whether the tracheostomy I had for three months after my accident may have contributed to some of those issues.

After doing some research and discussing it with my speech therapist, I learned that a tracheostomy can sometimes affect laryngeal movement. At the same time, we know that my swallowing difficulties cannot be explained entirely by that one factor.

My situation is more complicated than that.

There are multiple pieces to the puzzle.

And that led me to a question I have wrestled with for quite some time.

Muscular or Neurological?

I have often wondered whether my swallowing difficulties are primarily muscular, neurological, or some combination of both.

The distinction seemed important to me.

If something is muscular, perhaps it can be strengthened and improved through exercises and therapy.

If something is neurological, the path forward may look very different.

For a while, I found myself thinking about that question quite often.

I wanted clarity.

I wanted to understand.

I wanted to know exactly what I was dealing with.

But the more I thought about it, the more another question began to emerge.

What Would Change Today?

What would actually change for me today if I knew the answer?

That question stopped me in my tracks.

If the problem is muscular, I still need to do my exercises.

If the problem is neurological, I still need to do my exercises.

If it is some combination of both, I still need to do my exercises.

No matter what category my difficulties fall into, the work in front of me remains the same.

I still need to be faithful with what I have been given today.

And that realization brought me peace.

Faith and Action Work Together

One verse that has continually come back to my mind is:

James 2:22 "Seest thou how faith wrought with his works, and by works was faith made perfect?"

For a long time, I think I struggled with whether seeking answers somehow demonstrated a lack of faith.

I did not want to pursue additional evaluations or specialists if doing so meant I was doubting God.

But that is not what this verse teaches.

Faith and action are not opposites.

Faith and works are not enemies.

Faith works alongside action.

Faith continues moving forward.

Faith continues doing what can be done.

Faith continues trusting God while taking the next step.

For me, that means continuing the swallowing exercises my therapist has given me.

It means putting in the effort.

It means remaining faithful with the opportunities and resources God has already provided.

Seeking Wisdom Is Not the Same as Doubting

As I thought more about my situation, I began researching specialized medical centers and teaching hospitals that focus on complex swallowing disorders.

There may be opportunities in the future to pursue additional evaluations.

There may be specialists who can provide greater clarity regarding some of the questions I still have.

And I have come to realize that seeking wisdom is not the same as doubting God.

Throughout Scripture, God's people sought wisdom, understanding, and counsel.

Seeking knowledge does not diminish faith.

Sometimes it is simply part of good stewardship.

If God desires for me to travel further down that road and seek additional answers, I believe He is capable of opening the right doors at the right time.

He knows where the answers are.

He knows who has the knowledge.

He knows what I need.

And He knows when I need it.

Trusting God With the Unknown

One of the hardest parts of any long journey is learning to live with unanswered questions.

We naturally want certainty.

We want a roadmap.

We want explanations.

But sometimes God gives us enough light for the next step instead of the entire journey.

Proverbs 3:5–6 "Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

That does not mean we stop learning.

It does not mean we stop asking questions.

It does not mean we stop seeking wisdom.

It means we do not place our confidence in our own understanding above our confidence in God.

Doing Today's Work

I have not received every answer I would like.

There are still questions.

There are still possibilities.

There are still things I do not fully understand.

But I have become increasingly convinced that my responsibility is not to solve every mystery today.

My responsibility is to do today's work.

Today's exercises.

Today's therapy.

Today's prayers.

Today's obedience.

The future answers can wait for the future.

If Clarity Comes

If God chooses to provide greater clarity through specialists, testing, or future evaluations, I will be thankful.

If He opens those doors, I will walk through them.

But until then, I will continue moving forward with what I already know.

And if one day healing comes—whether gradually, unexpectedly, or in a way that cannot be fully explained—I want God to receive the glory.

Psalm 115:1 "Not unto us, O LORD, not unto us, but unto thy name give glory, for thy mercy, and for thy truth's sake."

As I continued reflecting on my questions, James 2:22, and the work that is presently before me, I was reminded of something I have often spoken to the Lord about in my private prayers.

For many years, I loved to sing. Singing requires breath support, stamina, and lung capacity. Since my accident, however, my lungs are not what they once were. Between a collapsed lung, scar tissue, a tracheostomy that remained for a long period of time, and other complications, my breathing capacity is noticeably different than it was before.

One of the things I am currently working on is learning to take deeper breaths from my diaphragm rather than relying on shallow breathing. Some of the exercises my therapists have recommended include using an EMST device, which requires forceful exhalation to strengthen muscles involved in swallowing. Yet, as I have thought about it, I realize it serves more than one purpose. While these exercises are designed to help my swallowing, they are also helping strengthen my breath support and endurance.

Likewise, many of the exercises I do in speech therapy are intended to strengthen muscles involved in swallowing, but they also strengthen muscles used for speaking (and singing). The very things I have been praying about are, in some measure, being addressed through the work that is set before me today.

That realization reminded me of an important truth: many times when we ask God for something, He does not simply hand it to us. Instead, He gives us an opportunity to work toward it. He opens a door, provides a tool, sends instruction, or places a task in front of us. We still have to walk through the door, use the tool, follow the instruction, and do the work.

Perhaps part of the answer to some of my prayers is not found in waiting for a dramatic change, but in faithfully taking the next breath, doing the next exercise, and being diligent with the opportunities God has already provided. The Lord may choose to grant greater improvement, or He may not. That part remains in His hands. My responsibility is simply to be faithful with what He has placed before me today.

I do not want to squander an opportunity that God may be using to answer a prayer I have prayed for years. James 2:22 reminds us that faith works alongside action. While I trust God for the outcome, I also want to faithfully do the work that is presently in front of me and leave the results in His hands.

Ecclesiastes 9:10 "Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might..."

Final Thoughts

Perhaps the greatest peace does not come from having all the answers.

Perhaps it comes from knowing what we need to do today.

I may not fully understand every aspect of my condition.

I may not know exactly how all the pieces fit together.

But I know this:

God is faithful.

The work in front of me is clear.

And I can trust Him with the answers that have not yet come.

Be encouraged. 🧡

We Saw the Truth

Reflections After My Swallow Study

There are certain appointments that carry emotional weight long before they ever arrive. My recent swallow study was one of those appointments.

Leading up to it, I had mentally prepared myself for anxiety, fear, and uncertainty. But interestingly enough, walking into the study itself, I was calmer than I expected to be. I think part of that peace came from simply knowing it was finally time to see the truth clearly.

The speech pathologist conducting the study immediately helped put me at ease with her genuine interest in my history and in understanding what brought me there. That meant more to me than she probably realized. My mom and my own speech pathologist were also there to observe the study, which brought another layer of comfort and support.

During the Study

As part of the swallow study, we worked through various items from the food tray while following specific swallowing instructions. One of the swallowing methods had a long clinical name, but the basic process involved holding my breath, swallowing, coughing, and then swallowing again.

That was the pattern I followed while trying different liquids and pudding consistencies.

Watching the study unfold in real time was both fascinating and emotional. There is something very strange about seeing the mechanics of your own body displayed on an X-ray screen. Things that you cannot normally see suddenly become visible.

What the Study Revealed

Ultimately, I think the overwhelming feeling I walked away with was relief.

The study confirmed what I had already suspected: there had been very minimal improvement since my previous study. While that may sound discouraging to some people, oddly enough, there was peace in finally having confirmation.

One of the main findings was that my upper esophageal sphincter (UES) muscle is still very tightly closed and only barely opening. We could also see on the X-ray that a small amount of the substance being swallowed was entering my airway.

What made this especially significant is that I did not cough or react when it happened. This is known as silent aspiration.

Part of the reason for this appears to involve my epiglottis, which is supposed to fold down over the airway during swallowing to help protect it. Mine is dropping, but not completely covering the airway opening the way it should.

The study also showed that while my larynx moves upward during swallowing, it is not moving forward properly, which is another important part of airway protection.

Hearing these findings was emotional, but at the same time, there was comfort in understanding what was actually happening rather than continuing to wonder.

Areas That Can Still Improve

One encouraging part of the appointment was hearing that several of these areas may still be strengthened through exercises and therapy.

I also realized something during this process: in previous years, I may not have been physically or mentally ready to fully tackle this kind of therapy. There were so many other areas of life, recovery, and survival demanding my attention at the time. Looking back now, I can understand that sometimes people are simply not in the right season yet for certain battles or responsibilities.

Now, however, I feel more prepared to focus intentionally on these goals in a way I may not have been able to before.

One of the methods discussed was EMST, or Expiratory Muscle Strength Training. I have already started looking into purchasing one of the small handheld devices used for these breathing and strengthening exercises.

For the first time in a while, I felt like we were not simply looking at problems — we were identifying specific areas that could potentially improve.

That does not mean the road ahead will be easy.

There is still a great deal of work ahead of me.

But having direction changes everything.

The Relief of Knowing

One of my greatest fears before the study was not necessarily that something major had happened.

My greatest fear was that something major had happened and I did not know it.

That uncertainty can weigh heavily on the mind.

So in many ways, I was thankful that the study did not reveal some major unseen decline. Instead, it revealed the truth of the situation honestly and clearly.

We saw the truth.

We got the information.

And now we know how to proceed.

Moving Forward

Part of moving forward will also involve revisiting an ENT specialist I saw many years ago, probably at least twelve years ago, for another consultation and updated evaluation.

And honestly, one of the things that brought me the most peace afterward was knowing that everyone involved is finally on the same page.

Now everyone has seen the same study.

Everyone understands the same findings.

Everyone has seen the reality of what is happening and what is meaningful moving forward.

There is comfort in shared understanding.

Even when the news is not perfect, clarity itself can still bring peace.

Faith and Expectation

It may seem strange that I wasn't especially hopeful or expecting a larger amount of the food to move into my stomach during the study. I am always hopeful, because I know the Lord is able to do whatever He wills. At the same time, I was also prepared to accept whatever the study revealed, trusting that truth and clarity would be more valuable than assumption.

Realistic Hope and the Work Ahead

I am a positive person, but I am also a realist. I can sometimes be very factual in my delivery rather than always being emotionally reflective, and I am working on that balance.

Going forward, I know there will be several exercises for strengthening. I think the ones that involve visible movement in my face, mouth, tongue, and speech will not be the hardest for me to stay engaged with. The more difficult ones will likely be the internal strengthening exercises — the ones that I cannot see visible results from and that feel hidden from me. Those may be the harder ones to stay motivated through, but I am determined to do this. That is not in question for me.

I know that everything is a process, made up of small steps. Rome was not built in a day, and everything I have ever learned or improved in my life has taken time, effort, practice, and repetition. This will be no different. I believe I will gain results over time.

The initial goals will likely focus on rebuilding coordination and strengthening pathways that have not been consistently used for many years. In a way, it feels like retraining communication between my brain and different parts of my body. I do not always have the perfect words to describe it, but that is the best way I can explain it right now.

At first, we may even be focusing on something as basic as managing my own saliva. Even that alone would be a significant milestone — not needing to constantly rely on a cup or worry about frequent spitting and management throughout the day. That would be a meaningful step forward in daily life.

What I Walk Away With

I do not walk away from this study feeling hopeless.

I walk away feeling informed.

I walk away grateful for honest answers.

And while the improvements may not yet be dramatic, I am thankful there are still things to work toward.

Sometimes peace does not come from hearing perfect news.

Sometimes peace comes from finally seeing the truth clearly enough to know where to go from here.

John 8:32  “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”

I know there is hard work ahead.

But now we have a baseline.

Now we have direction.

And now we move forward from here.

Looking Ahead

So no, I do not walk away from this study devastated.

And I do not walk away pretending the challenges are smaller than they are either.

What I walk away with is clarity.

I walk away with understanding.

I walk away knowing that there are still muscles that may be strengthened, pathways that may be rebuilt, and goals that are still worth pursuing.

Some of those goals may seem small to other people. But when you have lived with limitations for many years, even the smallest victories can carry enormous meaning.

Maybe one day it will mean less dependence on a cup at my side.

Maybe it will mean greater comfort, greater safety, or greater independence in everyday life.

Maybe it will simply mean progress.

And progress matters.

I know this journey will require patience, repetition, consistency, and faith. There will probably be days when the exercises feel tedious, slow, or invisible in their results. But nearly everything meaningful in my life has required time, persistence, and determination.

This will not be any different.

Most importantly, I know that God sees every hidden struggle — even the ones no one else fully understands.

And while I do not know exactly what the future holds, I do know this:

I am not where I once was.

I am not walking this road alone.

And I am finally in a season where I feel ready to face this part of my recovery with intention, honesty, and hope.

Galatians 6:9 “And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.”

So for now, we keep moving forward.
One exercise.
One step.
One small victory at a time.

 Be encouraged. 🧡

When You Need to See it For Yourself

A Study Twelve Years in the Making

In less than a week, I will sit through something I have not experienced in over twelve years.

A swallow study.

For those unfamiliar with it, it is a live X-ray study where foods coated with barium are swallowed so doctors and therapists can visually track what happens inside the mouth, throat, and esophagus in real time. They can watch where things move, where they stop, what muscles respond, and what muscles do not.

The last time I had this done, the foods were simple. Yogurt. Applesauce. Things that required no chewing.

This time is different.

This time, I will likely have to chew something.

Even typing that feels strange.

So lately, I have been trying to prepare myself. Maybe more mentally than physically, though I am doing both. I have been practicing tongue placement exercises. Tongue strengthening exercises. Practicing chewing (gum). Practicing swallowing. Even practicing using a straw more.

Part of me wants to be helpful during the study. Part of me wants to give it my absolute best effort.

And part of me feels almost crazy while doing it.

Because deep down, logically, I keep thinking the same thing.

“What if nothing has really changed?”

The Feeling I Cannot Ignore

Years ago, we already knew part of the issue.

My upper esophageal sphincter muscle (UES) — the muscle that is supposed to open and allow food to pass into the esophagus — was staying tightly closed.

Normally, that muscle opens according to the amount of food or liquid needing to pass through.

Mine did not.

Back then, during the study, we only saw a tiny trickle going down into the stomach. A trickle smaller around than my pinky finger’s diameter.

And now here I am, over a decade later, trying again.

Hoping.

Preparing.

Wondering.

But also noticing things that are hard to ignore.

When I practice swallowing now, sometimes it feels like a little may go down. But after awhile, I can tell something is still sitting there. Not painfully. Not dangerously. Just… there.

I notice it especially when I talk afterward.

It feels like buildup.

Like things are sitting on top of a doorway that still is not opening enough to let them pass through.

And in my mind, I keep thinking:

“If the opening were truly larger… wouldn’t I know?”

Wouldn’t I stop feeling that buildup?

Wouldn’t things feel different?

I do not know.

And maybe that is the hardest part.

Not knowing.

Wanting Hope While Fearing Reality

I think sometimes people assume that when you have lived with something for years, you become emotionally detached from it.

You do not.

At least I have not.

In some ways, this upcoming study feels bigger emotionally than I expected it to.

Because this is not just a medical appointment.

This is a marker.

A milestone.

A visual confirmation of where things truly stand.

Maybe there has been progress.

Maybe there has not.

Maybe there are things happening internally that I cannot accurately judge by feeling alone.

And honestly, I think that is part of why I need to see it.

Not because I distrust God.

Not because I am hopeless.

But because sometimes the mind keeps replaying questions that only truth can quiet.

The Battle Between Logic and Emotion

I keep trying to reason through it.

“If there was improvement, surely I would feel it.”

“If the muscle was opening more, surely I would notice less buildup.”

“If things had dramatically changed, wouldn’t I already know?”

But human bodies are complicated.

Healing is complicated.

Compensation patterns are complicated.

And sometimes we are poor interpreters of our own bodies because we only know what we have experienced.

Maybe there has been improvement.

Maybe there has been partial improvement.

Maybe there are areas that still need work.

Maybe there are approaches we have not considered yet.

This study may answer some of those questions.

Or it may raise new ones.

But either way, I think I need to know.

Seeing What Is Hidden

There is something deeply vulnerable about seeing what is happening inside your own body.

Especially when that body has been through trauma.

Especially when you have spent years adapting, compensating, hoping, grieving, and trying again.

There is vulnerability in watching a screen reveal what you cannot physically see yourself.

But maybe there is also mercy in it.

Because hidden things can torment the mind.

Unknowns can grow larger than reality.

And sometimes clarity — even difficult clarity — gives direction.

Without direction, it is hard to know how to move forward.

If there has been improvement, then I know to keep practicing and pursuing that progress.

If there has not been significant change, then perhaps we approach things differently moving forward.

Either way, avoiding the truth will not help me.

God Sees What We Cannot

One thing that comforts me is this:

Nothing about this is hidden from God.

Not the muscles.

Not the fear.

Not the frustration.

Not the emotional exhaustion.

Not the silent thoughts I do not always say out loud.

He already sees fully what doctors and therapists are only trying to understand partially.

The Lord is not pacing Heaven nervously waiting for results.

He already knows.

And somehow that thought steadies me.

Because while this study may reveal information to me, it reveals nothing new to Him.

Isaiah 55:8  “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.”

Hebrews 4:13  “And there is no creature that is not manifest in his sight: but all things are naked and opened unto the eyes of him with whom we have to do.”

Maybe It Is Okay to Be Honest

I think sometimes we feel pressure to sound fearless.

To sound endlessly positive.

To act unaffected.

But honesty is not lack of faith.

David was honest.

Job was honest.

Jeremiah was honest.

Even while trusting God, they still expressed grief, confusion, fear, and exhaustion.

So here is my honesty:

I am nervous.

I am emotional.

I am mentally struggling with this more than people probably realize.

Part of me hopes for improvement.

Part of me fears disappointment.

Part of me feels foolish for hoping.

Part of me feels foolish for doubting.

And somewhere in the middle of all of that… I simply want truth.

Moving Forward One Step at a Time

Right now, I do not have all the answers.

I do not know exactly what the study will show.

I do not know what the next steps will be afterward.

But I do know this:

Avoiding reality does not create healing.

And facing reality does not remove hope.

Whatever this study reveals, God will still be God afterward.

And I will still keep moving forward one step at a time.

Even if emotionally shaky.

Even if uncertain.

Even if afraid.

Because sometimes courage is not feeling strong.

Sometimes courage is simply showing up willing to see the truth.

Psalm 56:3  “What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee.”

2 Corinthians 12:9  “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.”

Learning to Carry What Is Beyond My Control

Maybe part of what makes this so emotionally heavy is not only my own hopes and fears.

Maybe part of it is the weight of not wanting to disappoint the people who love me.

The people praying for me.

The people encouraging me.

The people helping me.

The people who genuinely want to see progress and healing.

When you know others are standing in your corner, you desperately do not want to feel like you are letting them down.

And sometimes, without meaning to, you can start carrying responsibility for outcomes you were never actually in control of.

But the truth is, I cannot force muscles to work.

I cannot will my body into healing faster.

I cannot manufacture results because people care about me.

Some things simply remain beyond human control.

And maybe one of the hardest lessons in life is learning that acceptance is not the same thing as giving up.

Acceptance is not hopelessness.

Acceptance is acknowledging reality honestly while still trusting God faithfully.

It is understanding that my value is not measured by medical progress.

It is realizing that I am not failing because my body struggles.

It is remembering that the people who truly love me are not standing beside me only for victories and breakthroughs — they are standing beside me because they love me.

No matter what the screen shows during that study, I have not failed.

No matter what the results are, God has not failed me.

And no matter what comes next, this journey is not over simply because answers may not look the way I hoped.

Sometimes faith means believing God for miracles.

Sometimes faith means trusting Him while living with unanswered questions.

And sometimes faith means surrendering outcomes we cannot control while continuing to move forward anyway.

Maybe this study will bring encouragement.

Maybe it will bring difficult emotions.

Maybe both.

But whatever happens, I want to walk into that room understanding this:

I do not have to carry the burden of everyone’s expectations.

I only have to take the next step placed in front of me.

And God will still walk beside me there.

1 Peter 5:7  “Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.”

Joshua 1:9  “Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.”

We are not alone.

 Be encouraged. 🧡

A New Goal, A New Journey

There’s been a part of me that didn’t want to seem like I was neglecting my blog during this season. I’ve been focusing on my personal speech work, mouth and tongue exercises, and also recording my new podcast. In the middle of all of that, I realized something important: sometimes it is good to have something written down—something visual that can be read over more than once.

Writing allows a thought to settle. It slows everything down in a way speaking sometimes doesn’t.

As you may have heard from my podcast, this is a new section in my journey. A new path has been revealed in my life. And when I look back honestly, I would say the hardest thing I’ve done up to this point was putting in the work and meeting the requirements to obtain my driver’s license again after it had been medically canceled for 14 years.

That process was not easy. It stretched me in ways I didn’t expect. But now I can see it clearly—it was a stepping stone. It was preparing me for this next part of my story, which may end up being even more challenging than what came before.

The Goal That Changed Everything

Philippians 4:13  “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”

At one point, I remember praying that I would rather be able to drive than eat. That goal became so important to me. And by the grace of God, I was able to accomplish it in six months, or even a little less. That was a monumental achievement in my life.

But after that season ended, I found myself feeling somewhat unsettled. Not necessarily stagnant, because I was still moving forward and doing things—but I didn’t have a clear direction in front of me. I didn’t have a defined goal to aim toward.

Then, recently, things began to fall into place. I’ve already written about some of this in a previous blog post (He Supplies What We Need). But as it all came together, it felt like a moment of realization—almost like a red flag and an “aha” moment at the same time.

It felt like the Lord was making something clear: this is the next step. This is the next goal. This is where I am leading you now.

Learning to Hope Again

Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

My current focus has shifted into something very intentional. While I still have physical goals related to strength, grace in my movements, and walking, there is now a deeper emphasis on my tongue—its position, its strength, and how it affects both swallowing and speech.

Right now, I am in two speech therapy sessions each week. On top of that, I am doing roughly 10 to 11 exercises daily, usually aiming for two or three rounds throughout the day. It has become a consistent rhythm, something I am actively building my life around.

And I want to be very transparent about my emotional experience in this season, even if some of it is difficult to admit.

I don’t think I have ever been this hopeful about this part of my recovery before. I find myself actually anticipating possible outcomes that, for a long time, felt distant or almost unreachable. The ultimate goal would be full management of my own saliva—no longer needing to rely on a cup, being able to swallow naturally again, and eventually moving toward eating by mouth. Of course, that would not happen all at once. It would be in small, careful steps. Baby steps.

Even with that hope, I can feel the tension within myself.

I am excited and committed, and I want to demonstrate how serious I am about this process. At the same time, there is a part of me that struggles. It has been such a long time living in this reality that I think I wrestle with how to hold hope without setting myself up for disappointment.

I don’t want to reach a point where I feel devastated if things don’t move as quickly or as fully as I desire.

But I am also someone who believes that you do what you think you can. If you believe you cannot, you likely won’t even try. And at the same time, you don’t truly know what is possible unless you attempt it.

I tend to be an all-or-nothing kind of person. When I commit, I commit fully. I want this next section of my life to become another testimony—not just of endurance, but of healing and change.

Still, I think one of the biggest obstacles I face right now is not physical—it is mental. It is learning how to quiet the thoughts of doubt, fear, or negativity that try to attach themselves to this process.

Renewing My Mind

Romans 12:2  “And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind…”

In about two weeks, I will be having another swallowing study. During this test, I will attempt to swallow things like yogurt, ice chips, or applesauce mixed with barium. The barium allows the process to be seen on X-ray as it moves from the mouth, through the esophagus, and hopefully into the stomach.

I have not had a swallowing study since 2014 or even before that, so there is a mix of anticipation and uncertainty as I wait for what this will reveal.

And I think, more than anything, I am realizing that I need to shift my mindset. I need to bring myself into full alignment with this process—not just physically participating in it, but mentally engaging with it in a steady, grounded way.

Grateful for Small Progress

Zechariah 4:10 “For who hath despised the day of small things…”

This part of my story is not unlike the others that have come before it. My journey has never been instant or overnight. It has always been slow and methodical, unfolding step by step. I expect this season to follow the same pattern.

Very little in my life has changed all at once. Instead, it has been gradual improvement—day by day, sometimes so small it is almost unnoticeable unless I stop and look back. There have been a few moments where things felt immediately restored or significantly improved, but most of what I have experienced has been steady progress over time.

Because of that, I find myself increasingly grateful for every small piece of movement forward that God allows in my body. It may seem insignificant to someone else, but it is not insignificant to me.

For example, there are things I can do now that I could not do before. If I could not make a clicking sound with my tongue in the past, and now I can, that matters. If I could not place my tongue against the roof of my mouth before, and now I can—even in a limited way—that matters. And even though it may feel small, I am actively practicing so that “a little bit” becomes more over time.

I am learning to take things as they are given, without rushing ahead or dismissing the progress that is already present. These visible signs of change are encouragements to keep going. They are reminders that I am not stagnant, even when progress feels slow.

A Journey Without Limits Spoken Over Me

Ephesians 3:20 “Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us.”

There is another piece of my journey that, when I look back on it now, feels unusual—and yet, I cannot help but see the Lord’s hand in it. I have not had a neurologist since 2009. At first glance, that might seem concerning, or even like something that should have held me back. But as I reflect, I see something different.

Because I did not have regular appointments, I was not given a list of things I would likely never do. I was not told where my limits should be set. I was not cautioned in a way that might have caused me to quietly step away from goals before I ever attempted them.

Instead, my progress unfolded slowly—day by day, piece by piece—without those boundaries being spoken over me.

That does not mean wisdom or guidance is not important. But in my personal journey, I can see how God allowed this path so that my expectations would be shaped more by His ability than by human prediction.

And when I consider what I have been able to regain, what I am still working toward, and the things I once might have believed impossible… I cannot help but be grateful that my story was not defined too early.

Trusting God With the Outcome

Psalm 121:1–2 “I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.”

And I know, without hesitation, that my strength and my help have come from God. Time and time again, He has shown Himself faithful in my life, sometimes in ways I only fully understand in hindsight. I have seen Him bring me through things I never thought I would come through, and I believe He will do it again.

Right now, I am holding on to that truth. I am waiting for His help—not passively, but expectantly—asking Him to give me the courage and endurance to keep going, even when the process feels long or uncertain.

This is not just about physical recovery. It is about trust. And I am learning, once again, to trust Him in the middle of it.

Be encouraged. 🧡

                             

PS - 👂Listen to my new podcast, Every Breath On Purpose Conversations, Episode 4: Through it All: Faith, Obedience & Growing Trust 

When It’s Not All Sunshine: Faithful in the Small Things

As you might already be aware, my recovery journey is taking a new turn—this time focusing on my speech and swallowing. I want to share some very real and personal emotions about it, not just updates, but what’s actually going on inside my heart and mind.

Because the truth is… I don’t want every post to sound like butterflies and sunshine, because there are other emotions too.

I know sometimes it may come across that way. I tend to look for the good. I’m a glass-half-full kind of thinker—that’s just how I’m wired. And I do believe there is always something to be thankful for, even in the middle of hard things.

1 Thessalonians 5:18  “In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”

But I’m also human.

And I have real feelings—some of the same ones you might have if you were walking through something like this.

When Progress Feels Slow

Out of everything I’ve faced in my recovery, my speech and swallowing have been some of the hardest for me. I’ve tried to figure out why that is. I’m not completely sure, but I think part of it is because I haven’t seen results as quickly as I have in other areas and some of these gains aren’t visibly seen.

And that can be discouraging.

There’s something especially difficult about working at something over and over again—practicing, trying, hoping—and still not being able to do what you’re aiming for. When it’s something so basic, something most people don’t even have to think about, it can feel even heavier.

You practice and practice, holding onto hope that one day it will click.

James 1:4  “But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.”

And even though I’ve shared that this new round of tests and challenges feels different… even hopeful… I would be lying if I said that’s all I feel.

There are a lot of thoughts I’m having to combat right now:
Thoughts of discouragement.
Thoughts of frustration.
Thoughts that ask, “What if this doesn’t improve?”

And those thoughts are real.

But they are also not where I choose to stay.

2 Corinthians 10:5  “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God…”

Faithfulness in the Small Things

So yes… I’ve only had a handful of official therapy sessions so far.

But my at-home exercises? They’re already stacking up.

Different exercises to strengthen my tongue—which is significantly weak (and I’ve known that). Simple movements. Things you might remember doing as a kid with your tongue, your face, your mouth. Holding certain positions, making certain sounds… things that don’t seem like much on the surface.

But when you’re asked to do them several times a day, every day, in hopes of building strength and seeing progress… it can start to feel like a lot. Practice makes perfect, right?

And honestly, it can feel discouraging.

Not because the exercises are hard in themselves (although, for me, some are)—but because of the thoughts that try to attach themselves to them.

That quiet voice that whispers:
“Why does this even matter now?”
“What is this really going to change?”
“Is this even worth it?”

And I know where those thoughts are coming from. Our enemy.

I also know I shouldn’t entertain them.

Because the truth is—I am not the healer. I don’t have the final say. I cannot control the outcome.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

But I can do what I know to do.

Even when it feels small.
Even when it feels repetitive.
Even when it feels like it might not make a difference.

Because doing something in faith is never pointless.

1 Corinthians 4:2  “Moreover it is required in stewards, that a man be found faithful.”

Finding Strength in Obedience

I want to share something I recently heard in a sermon that deeply encouraged me, because I believe it might encourage you too.

When I made my initial post, I felt confident and joyful about the upcoming possibilities. But almost immediately after, I was bombarded with thoughts of doubt and discouragement—those heavy mental battles that try to steal peace.

1 Peter 5:8  “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil… seeketh whom he may devour.”

In the sermon, the speaker referenced the book of Acts, where Peter and John go up to the temple at the gate called Beautiful. There, they encounter a man who had been lame from birth.

One small detail stood out to me in a way it never had before:

Peter says to him, “Look on us.”

And I couldn’t stop thinking about that moment—what if he had not looked? What if he had refused to turn his attention toward them?

He was asked to do something simple, but essential: to respond, to focus, to obey.

And that spoke directly to me.

Because in my own life right now, I feel like I am being reminded of the same thing:

Be obedient to what has been asked of me.

That is what I can do.
That is what I am responsible for.
Not the outcome. Not the timing. Just obedience.

And I want to be able to say with confidence that I did what I was asked to do, even when I didn’t fully understand what would come from it.

Because that obedience matters.

1 Samuel 15:22  “To obey is better than sacrifice…”

How bad do you want it?

Another part of the sermon that stayed with me was the question:

“How bad do you want it?”

That question resonated deeply.

It reminded me that God has already provided what is needed. The answer is already there. The provision is already prepared. But stepping into it sometimes requires movement, determination, and faith.

Hebrews 11:1  “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

Just like the woman with the issue of blood. She was surrounded by a crowd—pressure, obstacles, people, noise. She could have easily looked at the situation and thought, “Not today. It’s too much. It’s too hard.”

But she didn’t.

She pushed forward anyway.
She made her way through what was in front of her.
She was determined that if she could just touch the hem of Jesus’ garment, everything could change.

And I don’t want to let what I see around me stop me from doing what I know I need to do.

I don’t want to be held back by the noise of circumstances or the weight of doubt. I want to keep moving forward anyway—faithful in the small steps, obedient in the daily work, even when it feels slow or uncertain.

Because I’ve found encouragement in that truth, and I am grateful for it.

Choosing to Keep Going

And as I continue forward, yes—there are many things involved in this journey, and practical needs matter too. But above all of that, my desire is to remain faithful.

To do what I have been asked to do.

Even when I don’t see everything clearly yet.

Because I can do what I know to do.

And I choose to keep doing it.

To not give up.
To not quit.
To keep showing up in the small things.

Galatians 6:9  “Let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.”

Because even when it feels like things are getting harder before they get better… I believe there is purpose in the pressing, and meaning in the process.

And I am choosing to trust that.

A Perspective I Don’t Want to Miss

As I’ve sat with all of this a little longer, there’s something else the Lord has placed on my heart—something I don’t want to overlook or rush past.

I find myself genuinely thankful… not just for progress, but for the thoughts themselves. The encouragement. The perspective. The reminders that rise up right when I need them most. I know those aren’t coincidence—they come from Him.

James 1:17  “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above…”

And one thought in particular has stayed with me:

The Lord must believe I am capable of walking through this.

That alone humbles me.

Not because I feel strong—but because He sees something in me that I don’t always see in myself.

There are still things I cannot do. Certain movements, certain exercises with my tongue and lips that feel completely out of reach right now. And if I focus only on that, it can feel discouraging.

But then I’m reminded…

There were things I couldn’t do before either.

Things that once felt just as impossible… that somehow, over time, became possible. Not because I suddenly figured it all out—but because the Lord made a way. He allowed opportunities to practice, to grow, to strengthen—sometimes without me even realizing what He was doing in the moment.

And little by little, what once felt unattainable… wasn’t anymore.

He has not failed me.

Not then. Not now.

Hebrews 13:8  “Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and to day, and for ever.”

He has provided what I needed—every single time—even when I couldn’t see how it would come together.

And I don’t want to forget that.

When Praise Reaches Beyond You

Another truth He brought to mind is the account of Paul the Apostle and Silas.

In Acts of the Apostles 16, they were in prison—beaten, bound, and placed in a position most of us would never choose. And yet… they praised the Lord.

Acts 16:25  “And at midnight Paul and Silas prayed, and sang praises unto God: and the prisoners heard them.”

Not quietly. Not conditionally. But openly.

And yes, we often focus on what happened next—the earthquake, the chains loosed, the doors opened.

But something stood out to me in a fresh way:

It wasn’t just their doors that opened. It was everyone’s.

Their praise didn’t just affect their own situation—it created an opportunity for others to witness the power of God.

And that hit me deeply.

Because it made me realize—if I choose not to praise Him in this season… if I hold back because it’s hard, or uncomfortable, or not what I would have chosen…

Someone else might miss seeing what God can do.

Not because He isn’t able—but because I didn’t respond.

And I don’t want that.

I don’t want my silence, my hesitation, or my discouragement to become a reason someone else doesn’t see His goodness.

A Question to Carry With You

If my obedience—if my praise, even when it’s difficult—can open the door for someone else to witness His power…

Then it’s worth it.

Matthew 5:16  “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.”

What if the very thing you’re walking through… is not only about what God is doing in you—but also what He desires to reveal through you?

 Be encouraged. 🧡                                                                🎵Praise You Anywhere

P.S. I’ve recently started a podcast, Every Breath on Purpose Conversations, where I share these reflections in a more personal, spoken way.

Why This Feels Different: a renewed hope after the waiting

 Why This Matters So Much to Me

After my post last Saturday, (read it here: He Supplies What We Need) about my excitement for meeting a speech pathologist, I wanted to take a step back and explain why I’m so excited about the things I’ve heard and seen.

It’s not because this is new to me.

It’s not because I’m unfamiliar with speech therapy.

In fact, it’s quite the opposite.

I’ve logged many, many hours with speech therapists over the years. This is something I’ve lived, worked through, and invested in deeply.

So when I say I’m excited now—it comes from a place of understanding what this journey has already required.

And now… a little more of the background.

Speech Therapy: More Than Just Talking

When people hear “speech therapy,” they often think it only involves learning how to talk clearly.

But it’s so much more than that.

A speech pathologist doesn’t just deal with speech—they work with the tongue, swallowing, the neck, the throat… all of it is connected.

Over time, we worked on things most people never even think about.

The Work Behind the Scenes

There were exercises designed just to strengthen and stretch my tongue.

One that always stands out to me is when they would put peanut butter just below my nose, and I had to try to reach it with my tongue. It sounds simple—but it was intentional. It was building strength, control, and range of motion, attempting to stretch that part.

Tongue exercises at home, 2010

There were also different types of stimulation therapies.

I had electric stimulation electrodes placed on my neck in various locations to help activate those muscles. At one point, I was even encouraged to get a machine to use at home so I could continue that work outside of therapy sessions.

And then there were swallow studies.

These involved watching an X-ray in real time as I attempted to swallow, so they could see exactly what was happening internally—what was working, what wasn’t, and where things were breaking down.

I’ve also had throat, jaw, and even ear-area massages to try to help loosen and support the muscles involved.

All of this was part of the process.

All of this was effort.

Additional Medical Interventions

In addition to therapy and the various exercises and studies, I also underwent other medical procedures as part of trying to improve swallowing function.

This included Botox injections into the sphincter muscle (at the top of my esophagus), as well as other outpatient procedures, like throat stretching (using [various diameters] gauges on the esophagus itself), intended to reduce tension and improve function in that area.

Despite these efforts, they were ultimately unsuccessful in producing lasting improvement.

What I Was Told

After all of that time in speech therapy, there came a point where something significant was said to me.

I was told there was no medical reason that I shouldn’t be able to eat at some point.

That mattered.

But alongside that, I was also told something else.

That I already knew everything they could teach me.

Because I had been in therapy so consistently, so thoroughly, there wasn’t really anything new left to try. I had learned the techniques. I understood the positioning.

For example, I was taught that when practicing swallowing, I could turn my head or tuck my chin to help with posture and improve the chances of success.

By the end of it all, they told me something that stuck with me:

That I would likely know before anyone else when something changed.

That there wasn’t more they could add to my routine that would make anything occur any sooner. That was approximately 2014.

Encouragement shared with me, I wanted to pay it forward.

Left to Continue on My Own

And so, in many ways, I was left to continue on my own.

Not because they didn’t care—but because we had reached the point where everything that could be taught… had been.

The rest would be up to time, persistence, and something more.

The Part That Was Hard to Say Out Loud

Of course, I had been discouraged.

But over time, I think I had also started to accept that this might just be the way life was going to be—that maybe this was as good as it would get, and I was going to be okay with that.

And accepting that didn’t mean I quit trying.

It didn’t mean I stopped caring.

It just meant… I didn’t know what else I could do to make things better any faster.

The Questions I Couldn’t Answer

People will ask me often, with good intentions:

“Any changes?”
“Is the swallowing any better?”
“Have you seen progress?”

And so many times, my answer was the same: “No… nothing new. It’s about the same.”

I would say it with a smile. I would try to stay upbeat. And then I would move the conversation along.

But internally… it was harder than I let on.

The Weight I Carried Quietly

Because in those moments, I didn’t just feel stuck.

I felt like I was letting people down. A disappointment. A failure.

Like maybe I hadn’t tried hard enough.
Like maybe I was doing something wrong.
Like maybe—somehow—I didn’t have enough faith.

Romans 8:1 “There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus…”

And that was a heavy place to sit in.

It made it difficult to even talk about, because I didn’t want anyone to think that I wasn’t trying.

Because I was.

I wanted this. I worked for this.

I just didn’t know what else I could do to make it happen.

What I Knew About God

And at the same time, deep down, I held onto something else.

I believed that God sees.
That He knows.
That He remembers.

Scripture says in Psalm 139:1–2 “O Lord, thou hast searched me, and known me. Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising…”

And I believed that He is not a halfway God.

Numbers 23:19 “God is not a man, that he should lie… hath he said, and shall he not do it?”

He completes things.

He doesn’t leave something undone.

Those truths didn’t change—even when nothing else seemed to.

Living Between Faith and Guarded Expectations

But if I’m being honest, there was also a tension in me.

I was trying not to expect too much.

Not because I didn’t believe God could do something—but because I didn’t want to set myself up for disappointment.

So I lived somewhere in between:

Holding onto what I believed about God…
While also trying to guard my heart from hoping too specifically.

Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding…”

Why This Moment Feels Different

So all of that is why I couldn’t help but get excited when the pieces started to come together and led me to this moment with a new-to-me speech pathologist.

I don’t really know how to fully explain it.

I don’t know why it feels different.

I just know that it does.

There’s this sense of hope—of something stirring again inside me—that I can’t quite put into words.

And it doesn’t come from ignoring everything that came before. It comes because of everything that came before.

Seeing Possibility Again

Recently, I saw before-and-after photos of tongues that had gone through therapy and strengthening work.

And something about that stayed with me.

Because in my own mind, I often feel like mine is… not where it should be. Weak in ways I can feel but not always describe. In need of help, strengthening, and re-centering.

And I recently learned something I hadn’t fully understood before—that even the resting position of the tongue matters, and mine hasn’t been where it’s supposed to be.

That was eye-opening for me.

Not discouraging—but eye-opening.

I was reminded Mark 9:23 says “If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.”

When Something Inside You Responds

There are also new tools I’ve been introduced to, things I had never used before.

And as I learn about them, something in me just responds.

I can’t fully explain it.

It’s not just information. It’s not just technique.

It feels like possibility.

Like maybe there are still layers to this I haven’t reached yet.

Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

And after everything I’ve walked through, I’ve learned not to dismiss that feeling too quickly.

Even if I can’t fully define it yet… I’m paying attention to it.

Not a Delay, Not a Failure

I don’t know why it’s taken this long.

The Bible declares in Ecclesiastes 3:11 “He hath made every thing beautiful in his time…” and in Habakkuk 2:3 “For the vision is yet for an appointed time… though it tarry, wait for it…”

There are moments where part of me tries to turn inward and say it must be my fault—that if things have taken this long, then I must have done something wrong or not done enough.

But I’m learning to recognize that thought for what it is.

That voice is not truth.

It’s discouragement speaking, not reality.

A Different Way of Seeing the Wait

I’ve come to believe there’s a reason this has unfolded the way it has, even if I don’t understand all of it.

Maybe there are lives that have been impacted along the way—people who have been encouraged, strengthened, or even just reminded that they’re not alone through things I’ve shared or endured.

Not because I am anything special.

But because God can use anything.

Even the long, slow, unseen parts of a story.

The Story That Comes to Mind

I’m often reminded of Joseph in the Old Testament.

He was sold into slavery by his own brothers, and yet he remained faithful to God through every part of his journey.

And it took years—about thirteen of them—before he stepped into the palace and saw the promise begin to unfold.

Genesis 50:20 “But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good…”

But what stands out to me most is that he didn’t quit in the waiting.

He didn’t stop being faithful just because the timeline didn’t make sense.

Standing in That Same Kind of Faith

And I am certainly not a quitter.

Even in the parts where I didn’t understand what was happening, or why it wasn’t changing faster, I’ve kept going.

I’ve kept showing up.

I’ve kept trying.

Scripture reminds us in Galatians 6:9 “And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.” and in 1 Corinthians 15:58 “…be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord…”

And I’ve kept believing that God is still working, even when I couldn’t see it clearly.

Moving Forward With Intention

I know the saying—you grab the bull by the horns—and that’s exactly how I feel I’m approaching this next step.

I’m stepping into this new speech therapy opportunity with intention, with hope, and with a willingness to do my part fully.

A New Season to Participate In

It truly feels like a blessing to be able to participate in this.

Not just to observe it, or hope for change, but to actively be part of it again—to show up, to engage, and to do the work alongside it.

Whatever happens from here, I believe it’s going to be meaningful. I believe it’s going to matter.

Choosing to Show Up Fully

And I’m committing myself to it.

To doing everything I’m able to do.

James 2:17 “Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone.”

Expectation With Peace

I’m learning that hope doesn’t have to be loud or forced.

It can be steady.

It can be peaceful.

And it can still be strong.

So I’m walking into this next chapter with that kind of expectation—not anxious, but present. Not rushing ahead, but ready to engage fully in whatever unfolds.

Psalm 37:5 “Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.”

Be encouraged. 🧡

                                   Listen to this song, try Jesus, Friend: 🎵 Truth Be Told