As you might already be aware, my recovery journey is taking a new turn—this time focusing on my speech and swallowing. I want to share some very real and personal emotions about it, not just updates, but what’s actually going on inside my heart and mind.
Because the truth is… I don’t want every post to sound like
butterflies and sunshine, because there are other emotions too.
I know sometimes it may come across that way. I tend to look
for the good. I’m a glass-half-full kind of thinker—that’s just how I’m wired.
And I do believe there is always something to be thankful for, even in the
middle of hard things.
1 Thessalonians 5:18 “In every thing give thanks: for this is the
will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”
But I’m also human.
And I have real feelings—some of the same ones you might
have if you were walking through something like this.
When Progress Feels Slow
Out of everything I’ve faced in my recovery, my speech and
swallowing have been some of the hardest for me. I’ve tried to figure out why
that is. I’m not completely sure, but I think part of it is because I haven’t
seen results as quickly as I have in other areas and some of these gains aren’t
visibly seen.
And that can be discouraging.
There’s something especially difficult about working at
something over and over again—practicing, trying, hoping—and still not being
able to do what you’re aiming for. When it’s something so basic, something most
people don’t even have to think about, it can feel even heavier.
You practice and practice, holding onto hope that one day it
will click.
James 1:4 “But
let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting
nothing.”
And even though I’ve shared that this new round of tests and
challenges feels different… even hopeful… I would be lying if I said that’s all
I feel.
There are a lot of thoughts I’m having to combat right now:
Thoughts of discouragement.
Thoughts of frustration.
Thoughts that ask, “What if this doesn’t improve?”
And those thoughts are real.
But they are also not where I choose to stay.
2 Corinthians 10:5 “Casting down imaginations, and every high
thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God…”
Faithfulness in the Small Things
So yes… I’ve only had a handful of official therapy sessions
so far.
But my at-home exercises? They’re already stacking up.
Different exercises to strengthen my tongue—which is
significantly weak (and I’ve known that). Simple movements. Things you might
remember doing as a kid with your tongue, your face, your mouth. Holding
certain positions, making certain sounds… things that don’t seem like much on
the surface.
But when you’re asked to do them several times a day, every
day, in hopes of building strength and seeing progress… it can start to feel
like a lot. Practice makes perfect, right?
And honestly, it can feel discouraging.
Not because the exercises are hard in themselves (although,
for me, some are)—but because of the thoughts that try to attach themselves to
them.
That quiet voice that whispers:
“Why does this even matter now?”
“What is this really going to change?”
“Is this even worth it?”
And I know where those thoughts are coming from. Our enemy.
I also know I shouldn’t entertain them.
Because the truth is—I am not the healer. I don’t have the
final say. I cannot control the outcome.
Ecclesiastes 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
But I can do what I know to do.
Even when it feels small.
Even when it feels repetitive.
Even when it feels like it might not make a difference.
Because doing something in faith is never pointless.
1 Corinthians 4:2 “Moreover it is required in stewards, that a
man be found faithful.”
Finding Strength in Obedience
I want to share something I recently heard in a sermon that
deeply encouraged me, because I believe it might encourage you too.
When I made my initial post, I felt confident and joyful
about the upcoming possibilities. But almost immediately after, I was bombarded
with thoughts of doubt and discouragement—those heavy mental battles that try
to steal peace.
1 Peter 5:8 “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil… seeketh whom he may devour.”
In the sermon, the speaker referenced the book of Acts,
where Peter and John go up to the temple at the gate called Beautiful. There,
they encounter a man who had been lame from birth.
One small detail stood out to me in a way it never had
before:
Peter says to him, “Look on us.”
And I couldn’t stop thinking about that moment—what if he
had not looked? What if he had refused to turn his attention toward them?
He was asked to do something simple, but essential: to
respond, to focus, to obey.
And that spoke directly to me.
Because in my own life right now, I feel like I am being
reminded of the same thing:
Be obedient to what has been asked of me.
That is what I can do.
That is what I am responsible for.
Not the outcome. Not the timing. Just obedience.
And I want to be able to say with confidence that I did what
I was asked to do, even when I didn’t fully understand what would come from it.
Because that obedience matters.
1 Samuel 15:22 “To obey is better than sacrifice…”
How bad do you want it?
Another part of the sermon that stayed with me was the
question:
“How bad do you want it?”
That question resonated deeply.
It reminded me that God has already provided what is needed.
The answer is already there. The provision is already prepared. But stepping
into it sometimes requires movement, determination, and faith.
Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped
for, the evidence of things not seen.”
Just like the woman with the issue of blood. She was
surrounded by a crowd—pressure, obstacles, people, noise. She could have easily
looked at the situation and thought, “Not today. It’s too much. It’s too
hard.”
But she didn’t.
She pushed forward anyway.
She made her way through what was in front of her.
She was determined that if she could just touch the hem of Jesus’ garment,
everything could change.
And I don’t want to let what I see around me stop me from
doing what I know I need to do.
I don’t want to be held back by the noise of circumstances
or the weight of doubt. I want to keep moving forward anyway—faithful in the
small steps, obedient in the daily work, even when it feels slow or uncertain.
Because I’ve found encouragement in that truth, and I am
grateful for it.
Choosing to Keep Going
And as I continue forward, yes—there are many things
involved in this journey, and practical needs matter too. But above all of
that, my desire is to remain faithful.
To do what I have been asked to do.
Even when I don’t see everything clearly yet.
Because I can do what I know to do.
And I choose to keep doing it.
To not give up.
To not quit.
To keep showing up in the small things.
Galatians 6:9 “Let us not be weary in well doing: for in due
season we shall reap, if we faint not.”
Because even when it feels like things are getting harder
before they get better… I believe there is purpose in the pressing, and meaning
in the process.
And I am choosing to trust that.
A Perspective I Don’t Want to Miss
As I’ve sat with all of this a little longer, there’s
something else the Lord has placed on my heart—something I don’t want to
overlook or rush past.
I find myself genuinely thankful… not just for progress, but
for the thoughts themselves. The encouragement. The perspective. The reminders
that rise up right when I need them most. I know those aren’t coincidence—they
come from Him.
James 1:17 “Every
good gift and every perfect gift is from above…”
And one thought in particular has stayed with me:
The Lord must believe I am capable of walking through
this.
That alone humbles me.
Not because I feel strong—but because He sees something in
me that I don’t always see in myself.
There are still things I cannot do. Certain movements,
certain exercises with my tongue and lips that feel completely out of reach
right now. And if I focus only on that, it can feel discouraging.
But then I’m reminded…
There were things I couldn’t do before either.
Things that once felt just as impossible… that somehow, over
time, became possible. Not because I suddenly figured it all out—but because the
Lord made a way. He allowed opportunities to practice, to grow, to
strengthen—sometimes without me even realizing what He was doing in the moment.
And little by little, what once felt unattainable… wasn’t
anymore.
He has not failed me.
Not then. Not now.
Hebrews 13:8 “Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and to day,
and for ever.”
He has provided what I needed—every single time—even when I
couldn’t see how it would come together.
And I don’t want to forget that.
When Praise Reaches Beyond You
Another truth He brought to mind is the account of Paul the
Apostle and Silas.
In Acts of the Apostles 16, they were in prison—beaten,
bound, and placed in a position most of us would never choose. And yet… they
praised the Lord.
Acts 16:25 “And
at midnight Paul and Silas prayed, and sang praises unto God: and the prisoners
heard them.”
Not quietly. Not conditionally. But openly.
And yes, we often focus on what happened next—the
earthquake, the chains loosed, the doors opened.
But something stood out to me in a fresh way:
It wasn’t just their doors that opened. It was
everyone’s.
Their praise didn’t just affect their own situation—it
created an opportunity for others to witness the power of God.
And that hit me deeply.
Because it made me realize—if I choose not to praise Him in
this season… if I hold back because it’s hard, or uncomfortable, or not
what I would have chosen…
Someone else might miss seeing what God can do.
Not because He isn’t able—but because I didn’t respond.
And I don’t want that.
I don’t want my silence, my hesitation, or my discouragement
to become a reason someone else doesn’t see His goodness.
A Question to Carry With You
If my obedience—if my praise, even when it’s difficult—can
open the door for someone else to witness His power…
Then it’s worth it.
Matthew 5:16 “Let your light so shine before men, that they
may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.”
What if the very thing you’re walking through… is not only
about what God is doing in you—but also what He desires to reveal through you?
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