We Saw the Truth

Reflections After My Swallow Study

There are certain appointments that carry emotional weight long before they ever arrive. My recent swallow study was one of those appointments.

Leading up to it, I had mentally prepared myself for anxiety, fear, and uncertainty. But interestingly enough, walking into the study itself, I was calmer than I expected to be. I think part of that peace came from simply knowing it was finally time to see the truth clearly.

The speech pathologist conducting the study immediately helped put me at ease with her genuine interest in my history and in understanding what brought me there. That meant more to me than she probably realized. My mom and my own speech pathologist were also there to observe the study, which brought another layer of comfort and support.

During the Study

As part of the swallow study, we worked through various items from the food tray while following specific swallowing instructions. One of the swallowing methods had a long clinical name, but the basic process involved holding my breath, swallowing, coughing, and then swallowing again.

That was the pattern I followed while trying different liquids and pudding consistencies.

Watching the study unfold in real time was both fascinating and emotional. There is something very strange about seeing the mechanics of your own body displayed on an X-ray screen. Things that you cannot normally see suddenly become visible.

What the Study Revealed

Ultimately, I think the overwhelming feeling I walked away with was relief.

The study confirmed what I had already suspected: there had been very minimal improvement since my previous study. While that may sound discouraging to some people, oddly enough, there was peace in finally having confirmation.

One of the main findings was that my upper esophageal sphincter (UES) muscle is still very tightly closed and only barely opening. We could also see on the X-ray that a small amount of the substance being swallowed was entering my airway.

What made this especially significant is that I did not cough or react when it happened. This is known as silent aspiration.

Part of the reason for this appears to involve my epiglottis, which is supposed to fold down over the airway during swallowing to help protect it. Mine is dropping, but not completely covering the airway opening the way it should.

The study also showed that while my larynx moves upward during swallowing, it is not moving forward properly, which is another important part of airway protection.

Hearing these findings was emotional, but at the same time, there was comfort in understanding what was actually happening rather than continuing to wonder.

Areas That Can Still Improve

One encouraging part of the appointment was hearing that several of these areas may still be strengthened through exercises and therapy.

I also realized something during this process: in previous years, I may not have been physically or mentally ready to fully tackle this kind of therapy. There were so many other areas of life, recovery, and survival demanding my attention at the time. Looking back now, I can understand that sometimes people are simply not in the right season yet for certain battles or responsibilities.

Now, however, I feel more prepared to focus intentionally on these goals in a way I may not have been able to before.

One of the methods discussed was EMST, or Expiratory Muscle Strength Training. I have already started looking into purchasing one of the small handheld devices used for these breathing and strengthening exercises.

For the first time in a while, I felt like we were not simply looking at problems — we were identifying specific areas that could potentially improve.

That does not mean the road ahead will be easy.

There is still a great deal of work ahead of me.

But having direction changes everything.

The Relief of Knowing

One of my greatest fears before the study was not necessarily that something major had happened.

My greatest fear was that something major had happened and I did not know it.

That uncertainty can weigh heavily on the mind.

So in many ways, I was thankful that the study did not reveal some major unseen decline. Instead, it revealed the truth of the situation honestly and clearly.

We saw the truth.

We got the information.

And now we know how to proceed.

Moving Forward

Part of moving forward will also involve revisiting an ENT specialist I saw many years ago, probably at least twelve years ago, for another consultation and updated evaluation.

And honestly, one of the things that brought me the most peace afterward was knowing that everyone involved is finally on the same page.

Now everyone has seen the same study.

Everyone understands the same findings.

Everyone has seen the reality of what is happening and what is meaningful moving forward.

There is comfort in shared understanding.

Even when the news is not perfect, clarity itself can still bring peace.

Faith and Expectation

It may seem strange that I wasn't especially hopeful or expecting a larger amount of the food to move into my stomach during the study. I am always hopeful, because I know the Lord is able to do whatever He wills. At the same time, I was also prepared to accept whatever the study revealed, trusting that truth and clarity would be more valuable than assumption.

Realistic Hope and the Work Ahead

I am a positive person, but I am also a realist. I can sometimes be very factual in my delivery rather than always being emotionally reflective, and I am working on that balance.

Going forward, I know there will be several exercises for strengthening. I think the ones that involve visible movement in my face, mouth, tongue, and speech will not be the hardest for me to stay engaged with. The more difficult ones will likely be the internal strengthening exercises — the ones that I cannot see visible results from and that feel hidden from me. Those may be the harder ones to stay motivated through, but I am determined to do this. That is not in question for me.

I know that everything is a process, made up of small steps. Rome was not built in a day, and everything I have ever learned or improved in my life has taken time, effort, practice, and repetition. This will be no different. I believe I will gain results over time.

The initial goals will likely focus on rebuilding coordination and strengthening pathways that have not been consistently used for many years. In a way, it feels like retraining communication between my brain and different parts of my body. I do not always have the perfect words to describe it, but that is the best way I can explain it right now.

At first, we may even be focusing on something as basic as managing my own saliva. Even that alone would be a significant milestone — not needing to constantly rely on a cup or worry about frequent spitting and management throughout the day. That would be a meaningful step forward in daily life.

What I Walk Away With

I do not walk away from this study feeling hopeless.

I walk away feeling informed.

I walk away grateful for honest answers.

And while the improvements may not yet be dramatic, I am thankful there are still things to work toward.

Sometimes peace does not come from hearing perfect news.

Sometimes peace comes from finally seeing the truth clearly enough to know where to go from here.

John 8:32  “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”

I know there is hard work ahead.

But now we have a baseline.

Now we have direction.

And now we move forward from here.

Looking Ahead

So no, I do not walk away from this study devastated.

And I do not walk away pretending the challenges are smaller than they are either.

What I walk away with is clarity.

I walk away with understanding.

I walk away knowing that there are still muscles that may be strengthened, pathways that may be rebuilt, and goals that are still worth pursuing.

Some of those goals may seem small to other people. But when you have lived with limitations for many years, even the smallest victories can carry enormous meaning.

Maybe one day it will mean less dependence on a cup at my side.

Maybe it will mean greater comfort, greater safety, or greater independence in everyday life.

Maybe it will simply mean progress.

And progress matters.

I know this journey will require patience, repetition, consistency, and faith. There will probably be days when the exercises feel tedious, slow, or invisible in their results. But nearly everything meaningful in my life has required time, persistence, and determination.

This will not be any different.

Most importantly, I know that God sees every hidden struggle — even the ones no one else fully understands.

And while I do not know exactly what the future holds, I do know this:

I am not where I once was.

I am not walking this road alone.

And I am finally in a season where I feel ready to face this part of my recovery with intention, honesty, and hope.

Galatians 6:9 “And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.”

So for now, we keep moving forward.
One exercise.
One step.
One small victory at a time.

 Be encouraged. 🧡