Shaky Hands, Steady Faith

the alphabet board

While perusing through pictures of my recovery from 2009, I was reminded of something I endure that you may not know about: ataxia. Ataxia is a neurological condition that affects muscle control and coordination. Ataxia can lead to problems with balance, walking, speech, and fine motor skills. It’s often caused by damage to the cerebellum (the part of the brain responsible for coordination) or other parts of the nervous system. It can impact basic movements that many people take for granted.

One aspect of ataxia that affects me significantly is how it impacts my eyes. Nystagmus is a condition where the eyes make uncontrolled, repetitive movements, which can result in reduced vision or depth perception. These movements may occur side-to-side (horizontal nystagmus), up-and-down (vertical nystagmus), or in a circular pattern (rotary nystagmus).

I sometimes feel my eyeballs shaking vertically. (You wouldn't notice). This sensation can make me feel less confident in tasks such as driving at night or watching a movie with subtitles. When my eyes aren’t cooperating, I have to be extra cautious and alert during these activities, relying on prayer and God’s guidance to calm my nerves and keep me safe.

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." (Philippians 4:13)

The Challenge of Communication and Everyday Tasks

One vivid memory of my early recovery is the time when I relied on an alphabet board to communicate. With a tracheostomy preventing oral communication and my right arm unable to move, my only option was to use my left hand to point to letters on the board. However, my left hand was not my dominant one and was also affected by ataxia.

Playing Connect 4 with a therapist, 2009

What should have been a simple task—pointing to a letter—often took several minutes. My hand would shake uncontrollably, moving in directions my brain didn’t intend. It felt like a constant battle to guide my hand to the right spot, but with determination and patience, I would eventually succeed.

This struggle wasn’t just limited to communication. Activities like using a spoon to pick up marbles or beads for crafts were equally challenging. Many times, I ended up spilling the items all over the table or floor. Even today, I still encounter difficulty with fine motor tasks like picking up coins.

Another memory that stood out to me was my attempts at playing a simple game like Connect 4. Early in my recovery, two games could take me up to two hours because of my lack of muscle control. Placing each piece where I wanted it to go required intense focus, determination, and countless attempts.

Imagine trying to thread a needle while wearing thick gloves or trying to walk on ice without slipping—that’s what it felt like to guide my hand to the right spot or to place a game piece where I wanted it. My brain would give the command, but my body would hesitate, stutter, or outright rebel. It was exhausting, humiliating, and humbling all at once.

I’ll never forget the first time I completed a game of Connect 4 in under an hour. I was so proud of myself because I played my brother—a very worthy opponent—and beat him. (He better not have let me win). That victory remains a vivid memory.

, 

Playing Connect 4 with my brother, 2009

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped." (Psalm 28:7)

The Gift of Patience and Encouragement

Seeing these photos reminded me not just of my struggles but also of the patience and kindness shown to me by my therapists and nurses. They never got angry or frustrated at my lack of ability. Instead, they displayed the most incredible patience, encouraging me to try again, even if it was the fifth time I spilled beads on the floor or the two hours it took to play one game of Connect 4.

This reminds me of the special, unique qualities God gives each of us. These caregivers were chosen for their roles, and their patience and encouragement were a reflection of God's grace. When I wanted to quit, their words and actions reminded me to persevere.

"And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not." (Galatians 6:9)

Faith Through Frustration

These challenges could have left me feeling defeated, but instead, they taught me the value of perseverance and faith. I learned to rely on God’s strength when mine was insufficient. Each small victory—whether it was finally pointing to a letter or completing a simple task—was a testament to His faithfulness and the strength He gives us to endure.

I share this part of my journey to remind you that God is present even in our struggles. When life feels overwhelming, and we face what seem like insurmountable challenges, He provides the grace and strength we need to press on.

"My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Reflection on God’s Plan

Looking back, I can see how God was shaping my heart during this process. He wasn’t just healing my body—He was teaching me patience, humility, and a deeper reliance on Him. Every shaky step and every shaky hand was an opportunity to lean into His strength and trust that He was holding me up.

Even now, I still experience ataxia and nystagmus, and I don’t know if they will ever completely disappear. However, you wouldn’t notice unless you knew what to look for—or observed me closely (but don’t stare too long!). Thankfully, there are no obvious outward signs, and over the years, I’ve come to accept that. I believe God is still perfecting His plan for my life, even if it hasn’t fully unfolded yet. His timing is perfect, even when I wish things would happen faster. This journey was unexpected; I didn’t wake up that morning in 2009 knowing my life would be forever changed. But God knew. He sees the end from the beginning.

In my humanness, I may not fully understand His reasons, but I know I must stay encouraged. There have been many moments where I felt distraught, tired, and ready to quit, but I reminded myself that I still have a role to play. I cannot sit idly by, waiting for improvement without putting in the effort. God honors hard work, and I believe that when you’ve done all you can, He steps in to give you the strength to go a little further.

This journey has taught me that while the road may be difficult, it is not without purpose. Each challenge has been an opportunity to grow, to trust, and to persevere. God has been with me every step of the way, and I trust that He will continue to guide me as His perfect plan unfolds.

I do have things that bother me because, even though I try not to compare myself to others—or even to my past self—sometimes it's just a human thing to do. But one thing I’ve learned is that with God, nothing is impossible.

There were times, because of my injuries and conditions, that I wondered if I would ever be able to do certain things—like drive. And while no one has directly said it to me, I’m sure that some people looking at my situation have had their doubts about what I could accomplish. But I have never let that stop me from trying.

I know myself. I am smart, aware, and in tune with my own capabilities. I also know when something doesn’t feel like the right time. But when I set my mind to something, I pursue it.

I pursued the goal of driving.

I pursued the goal of taking a road trip.

I pursued the goal of being comfortable using the shooting range.

In each of these, I took the time to learn all I could—to be informed, to understand the challenges, and to figure out ways to overcome them. And by doing so, I have achieved things that once seemed uncertain.

“Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.” (Proverbs 4:7)

I don’t say this to boast but to encourage you. What seems impossible is only impossible if you allow yourself to believe it is. That doesn’t mean the challenges aren’t real. I would never diminish anyone’s struggles. But I also believe that, with determination, faith, and a willingness to adapt, there is often a way forward.

If you’re facing something that feels impossible right now, I hope this reminds you that you are capable of more than you think. And with God, nothing is out of reach.

What are your pursuits? Is God one of them?

Be encouraged. 🧡