There are seasons in life when we desperately want answers.
We want to know why something happened.
We want to know what caused it.
We want to know what can be fixed, what cannot be fixed, and
what the future may hold.
For me, one of those questions has centered around my
swallowing difficulties.
For many years, I have known that my upper esophageal
sphincter (UES) muscle does not function properly. This is the muscle at
the top of the esophagus that should relax and open to allow food and liquid to
pass into the stomach.
Recently, a swallow study confirmed that the muscle remains
tight and does not open as it should. But the study also revealed other
findings that gave me more to think about.
My epiglottis, which helps protect the airway during
swallowing, does not completely close over the airway.
My larynx moves upward, but it does not move forward
the way it should during swallowing.
As I reflected on those findings, I began wondering whether
the tracheostomy I had for three months after my accident may have
contributed to some of those issues.
After doing some research and discussing it with my speech
therapist, I learned that a tracheostomy can sometimes affect laryngeal
movement. At the same time, we know that my swallowing difficulties cannot be
explained entirely by that one factor.
My situation is more complicated than that.
There are multiple pieces to the puzzle.
And that led me to a question I have wrestled with for quite
some time.
Muscular or Neurological?
I have often wondered whether my swallowing difficulties
are primarily muscular, neurological, or some combination of both.
The distinction seemed important to me.
If something is muscular, perhaps it can be strengthened and
improved through exercises and therapy.
If something is neurological, the path forward may look very
different.
For a while, I found myself thinking about that question
quite often.
I wanted clarity.
I wanted to understand.
I wanted to know exactly what I was dealing with.
But the more I thought about it, the more another question
began to emerge.
What Would Change Today?
What would actually change for me today if I knew the
answer?
That question stopped me in my tracks.
If the problem is muscular, I still need to do my exercises.
If the problem is neurological, I still need to do my
exercises.
If it is some combination of both, I still need to do my
exercises.
No matter what category my difficulties fall into, the work
in front of me remains the same.
I still need to be faithful with what I have been given
today.
And that realization brought me peace.
Faith and Action Work Together
One verse that has continually come back to my mind is:
James 2:22 "Seest thou how faith wrought with
his works, and by works was faith made perfect?"
For a long time, I think I struggled with whether seeking
answers somehow demonstrated a lack of faith.
I did not want to pursue additional evaluations or
specialists if doing so meant I was doubting God.
But that is not what this verse teaches.
Faith and action are not opposites.
Faith and works are not enemies.
Faith works alongside action.
Faith continues moving forward.
Faith continues doing what can be done.
Faith continues trusting God while taking the next step.
For me, that means continuing the swallowing exercises my
therapist has given me.
It means putting in the effort.
It means remaining faithful with the opportunities and
resources God has already provided.
Seeking Wisdom Is Not the Same as Doubting
As I thought more about my situation, I began researching
specialized medical centers and teaching hospitals that focus on complex
swallowing disorders.
There may be opportunities in the future to pursue
additional evaluations.
There may be specialists who can provide greater clarity
regarding some of the questions I still have.
And I have come to realize that seeking wisdom is not the
same as doubting God.
Throughout Scripture, God's people sought wisdom,
understanding, and counsel.
Seeking knowledge does not diminish faith.
Sometimes it is simply part of good stewardship.
If God desires for me to travel further down that road and
seek additional answers, I believe He is capable of opening the right doors at
the right time.
He knows where the answers are.
He knows who has the knowledge.
He knows what I need.
And He knows when I need it.
Trusting God With the Unknown
One of the hardest parts of any long journey is learning to
live with unanswered questions.
We naturally want certainty.
We want a roadmap.
We want explanations.
But sometimes God gives us enough light for the next step
instead of the entire journey.
Proverbs 3:5–6 "Trust in the LORD with all
thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways
acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."
That does not mean we stop learning.
It does not mean we stop asking questions.
It does not mean we stop seeking wisdom.
It means we do not place our confidence in our own
understanding above our confidence in God.
Doing Today's Work
I have not received every answer I would like.
There are still questions.
There are still possibilities.
There are still things I do not fully understand.
But I have become increasingly convinced that my
responsibility is not to solve every mystery today.
My responsibility is to do today's work.
Today's exercises.
Today's therapy.
Today's prayers.
Today's obedience.
The future answers can wait for the future.
If Clarity Comes
If God chooses to provide greater clarity through
specialists, testing, or future evaluations, I will be thankful.
If He opens those doors, I will walk through them.
But until then, I will continue moving forward with what I
already know.
And if one day healing comes—whether gradually,
unexpectedly, or in a way that cannot be fully explained—I want God to receive
the glory.
Psalm 115:1 "Not unto us, O LORD, not unto
us, but unto thy name give glory, for thy mercy, and for thy truth's
sake."
As I continued reflecting on my questions, James 2:22, and
the work that is presently before me, I was reminded of something I have often
spoken to the Lord about in my private prayers.
For many years, I loved to sing. Singing requires breath
support, stamina, and lung capacity. Since my accident, however, my lungs
are not what they once were. Between a collapsed lung, scar tissue, a
tracheostomy that remained for a long period of time, and other complications, my
breathing capacity is noticeably different than it was before.
One of the things I am currently working on is learning to
take deeper breaths from my diaphragm rather than relying on shallow breathing.
Some of the exercises my therapists have recommended include using an EMST
device, which requires forceful exhalation to strengthen muscles involved in
swallowing. Yet, as I have thought about it, I realize it serves more than
one purpose. While these exercises are designed to help my swallowing, they
are also helping strengthen my breath support and endurance.
Likewise, many of the exercises I do in speech therapy are
intended to strengthen muscles involved in swallowing, but they also strengthen
muscles used for speaking (and singing). The very things I have been praying
about are, in some measure, being addressed through the work that is set before
me today.
That realization reminded me of an important truth: many
times when we ask God for something, He does not simply hand it to us. Instead,
He gives us an opportunity to work toward it. He opens a door, provides a
tool, sends instruction, or places a task in front of us. We still have to walk
through the door, use the tool, follow the instruction, and do the work.
Perhaps part of the answer to some of my prayers is not
found in waiting for a dramatic change, but in faithfully taking the next
breath, doing the next exercise, and being diligent with the opportunities God
has already provided. The Lord may choose to grant greater improvement, or He
may not. That part remains in His hands. My responsibility is simply to be
faithful with what He has placed before me today.
I do not want to squander an opportunity that God may be
using to answer a prayer I have prayed for years. James 2:22 reminds us that
faith works alongside action. While I trust God for the outcome, I also want to
faithfully do the work that is presently in front of me and leave the results
in His hands.
Ecclesiastes 9:10 "Whatsoever thy hand
findeth to do, do it with thy might..."
Final Thoughts
Perhaps the greatest peace does not come from having all the
answers.
Perhaps it comes from knowing what we need to do today.
I may not fully understand every aspect of my condition.
I may not know exactly how all the pieces fit together.
But I know this:
God is faithful.
The work in front of me is clear.
And I can trust Him with the answers that have not yet come.
